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by Glenda Gibbs
Briefing - I had made an earlier request for help, to which my daughter didn't want to have anything to do with it. After sharing a few thoughts, I scripted the following and sent it. Note: With my daughter's permission and her name removed we agreed this letter might benefit other mothers and their adult daughters.
Dear Adult Daughter,
We have for the most part one way relationship. It doesnt seem reciprocating. Reciprocating means sharing /exchanging. Our relationship exchange seems conditional when its good for you, youre available, when not
Yesterday on the phone I heard the word guilt that you didnt want me to guilt you into doing things for me I cant make you feel guilty unless you choose to feel guilty. If youre feeling guilty perhaps you arent living up to your potential. Just maybe guilt is the key to motivate you, I dont know.
I feel like your demand is ongoing, very rarely are you satisfied for long, theres another drama, another fire to put out, more money needed perhaps being rescued is your way of assuring yourself that youre loved and a payback for not being protected as a child.
I further suggest your unwillingness to volunteer to help me or come to my house is because you hold energy/thoughts/feelings all associated with how you were denied/wronged as a child. These behaviors along with your unwillingness to get professional help or delve into your own personal development are met with stubbornness, know it all attitude, anger, and reasons/excuses of why I (along with others/events) are always to blame consider this: youre stuck.
Speaking for myself in this moment, generally when there is change or I need something, Im met with a wall of resistance.
Your usage of marijuana, smoking and weight gain are all self medicating methods to reduce anxiety.
Yes, youre very smart, never a question. Youve learned the typical therapeutic knowledge and processes no different than what Ive experienced and life wasnt working for me either sort of like memorizing the manual to ride a bicycle and getting on it and putting that intellectual collection of information to use not the application/experience is entirely different. You havent been willing to do the work doesnt make you bad or wrong it means that your survival mechanisms are doing their job.
At some point I wish for you that youll pony up quit playing a lose-lose game with your life that will be a different message to teach your children and your husband. The benefits youll experience will be profound.
I cant change what happened to you and as Ive shared, I apologize. I did the best I knew to do.
For you, there is that little girl who resides within you and continues to be upset and crying out for attention, needs proof shes loved I cant do the work for you only you can she needs to know youre there for her
Your response to my needing help with my moving accepting your offer now - lets dont. Ill take care of this move for myself. There are other ways to get my needs met without dealing with the resistances, drama and adding additional stress.
I dont love you less I love you very much, more than you believe.
Mom
Glenda Gibbs
Copyrighted 2009 by Glenda Gibbs. Feel free to share... The content may be forwarded in full, with copyright/contact/creation information intact.
